


Friends

by going_dangerous



Category: KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-31
Updated: 2012-01-31
Packaged: 2017-10-30 10:31:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/330760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/going_dangerous/pseuds/going_dangerous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Press the Kudos ♥ button if you liked this and let me know what you think. ^^Y</p></blockquote>





	Friends

He dragged his feet through the snowy paths, wandering on the same road that brought him now so many beautiful memories. It was a cold night, but it wasn’t windy and the snow was falling lazily onto the ground, forming a thin layer. It was in any ways a beautiful sight. But Jin couldn’t see that. Not when that was the first Christmas Eve that he got to spend alone. Alone. He shook that thought out of his head and just stood there for a few seconds, the pleasant memories invading his head. He used to love snow much more when it fell on his ex-lover’s lips, on the tip of his nose or when it got stuck into one of his eyelids. He sighed before taking another step along the so familiar path. He used to love taking long and aimless walks around these blocks, just enjoying the younger one’s presence, from time to time making eye-contact or bringing Kame’s hand into his own pocket or to his lips, warming it by blowing some hot air on top of it. Once again, he let out a heavy sigh before pulling out a cigarette, lighting it up, then buttoning the last button of his coat, as it suddenly felt really cold around him.  
Maybe this is the way things were supposed to happen. He put out the cigarette when he was in front of a café, a nice and cozy place he found on the way. He got in, not really paying attention to the man behind the counter or to anyone else for the matter. He just needed to warm up a bit and put his thoughts in some kind of order. He really needed to do that. After all, that Christmas Eve was the first one he would spend alone, without the younger one’s company in the whole 12 years that they’ve known each other. They always found some free time from work or from their families, and every year they spent Christmas together. Only this time everything was different. Everything felt different.  
After all, it’s never easy to be rejected after a long relationship. Not to mention in the middle of winter holidays, around Christmas… It was already hard to be the rejected one, but being that time of the year sure made things worse. He usually liked watching the city lights or the huge Christmas tree in the nearby square, but all that because Kame was with him. Now that he was far away from him, nothing mattered anymore. Not the Christmas decorations, nor the people rushing on the streets to buy a present, nor the happy couples passing in front of the café, which was now starting to annoy him.  
Thanking the waiter, he took the warm cup of coffee into his hands and waited for its warmth to reach them, even if he wished it could reach his heart. Absentmindedly, while he waited for the content of his cup to cool down a bit before he could sip from it without burning his tongue, he continued watching the few people passing by in front, studying every single one of them, in search of something similar to his own pain that threatened to last for a long time.  
~*~*~  
The black and warm liquid apparently did some good, as he was now on the streets again, confronting the cold weather, but facing a little girl holding her mother’s hand tightly, and the sight actually made him smile a bit. It was nice seeing some proof of real love still existed in this world. He questioned the love Kame always said he felt for him for the umpteenth time, as he was making his way inside his apartment building. When he opened the door, he was greeted by the two fur balls he had as pets, jumping around and wiggling their tails, waiting for their master’s attention to shift on them. And Jin could only do so, a small smile forming on his lips as he took one of his dogs in his arms and sat on the couch. Well, at least I have you too by my side, right? With that thought in mind he switched his phone off, in no mood to meet his friends or family, and after a few minutes he fell in a deep slumber, wishing he could sleep off the whole holiday season.  
~*~*~  
He discovered that time indeed passed faster when he slept most of the time, only getting up to eat, to take a shower or to use the toilet. He slept away the pain, the intense longing and the confusion he was feeling. When he had finally had enough, with a long sigh he got out of the bed and strolled to the kitchen, inspecting on the way the mess he created. But he didn’t care. With slow moves he picked his phone up, but right when he was about to switch it on, the calendar on the wall caught his attention. It was a customized one, which Kame and he made specially for their joy. He puffed his cheeks at that thought and glanced at the picture, featuring both of them smiling happily, wearing some ridiculous Santa hats. They were holding each a small lit candle in one hand, while with the other they were showing a peace sign.  
He brought one hand to caress the picture where Kame’s face was, trailing with his finger the outline of those smiling lips. He looks so happy. I wonder what happened that made him change. With that thought he ripped the current page and let his eyes meet the next picture, which brought a smile on his lips. In that picture, he wore the Santa outfit and, holding a nicely decorated package, his hands stretched towards Kame, offering it, while the younger one was slightly blushing and wearing a cute slightly embarrassed expression like a kid’s expression when his older sister kissed his forehead. Carefully, he ripped also that page, finally reaching the current date. In that picture they were on the sofa, carefully wrapped up in a blanket, snuggling closer to each other, Kame’s head comfortably resting on his shoulder. The picture gave him a nice feeling, but in the same time making the longing and the desire to have Kame beside him grow.  
Barely taking his eyes from the picture, he finally switched his phone on and placed it on a counter, while making his way to the fridge, fishing a bottle of water. As he opened it and took a sip he could hear the avalanche of messages and missed calls he received, the beeping sound becoming annoying, making him frown in frustration. He took the phone into his hands when the beeping finally stopped and scrolled through the tens of messages from his friends, his colleagues, his family and even his senpais, until one caught his attention. It was a message from Kame, with the subject ‘Merry X-mas’. He opened it and read the text. ‘Hope this Christmas and this end of the year will bring us the peace and the happiness we deserve. Take care, love.’ He looked at the date, indicating the 24th, and he suddenly felt a single cold tear sliding down his cheek.  
How could Kame be that cold, yet in the same time wishing for both of them something so normal and heartwarming? Jin instantly felt bad for not being able to reply in time, with at least an ‘I wish you the best’ or something like that. Reading the text over and over again, ignoring the questions that threatened to invade his mind any second, he found himself remembering the day he so wished he could erase from his mind forever.  
“Kazu, what are you doing?” he asked the younger one, his eyes widening in shock as soon as he lifted his eyes from his laptop and saw Kame standing a few feet away, two big suitcases near his legs and a bag hanging on his shoulder.  
“I’m leaving, Jin.” He replied as tears gathered in his eyes, threatening to fall any moment, biting his lips furiously and just staring at the other man.  
“You’re leaving? Just like that?” he asked while getting up, stumbling on the way to Kame’s side. “You’re kidding, right?” he tried to hold on to the last bit of sanity he still had.  
“I’m not, Jin. It’s better this way.” Kame replied and wiped his eyes, soon the tears gathering again. “For both of us.”  
“The hell it is!” he snapped at the form in front of him, trying to grab his arm, which Kame avoided. “Tell me what happened, maybe we can talk and work this thing out.”  
But the younger one shook his head in response, the tears now streaming onto his face. “There’s nothing to talk about. What we have will do us no good.” He pointed out, biting his lips nervously.  
“And you decided that for yourself? How can you be so cold?” Jin hissed, running one of his hands through his hair in frustration. “Don’t do this, please.” He continued in a softer tone, taking a step closer.  
“I have to. I’m tired of losing the thing I cherish the most because you want to protect this love.” He once again wiped his tears using the back of his hand.  
“The thing you cherish the most?” Jin asked in pure shock.  
“Our friendship, Jin. The more intimate we become with each other, the more our friendship dies away. And I don’t want that. As good as it might be to share our little moments of tenderness, I value more the precious times when we are just best friends.” Kame explained carefully, with an obvious tint of regret in his voice.  
“But that’s insane! We are still friends, and we’re always going to be, first of all.” Jin let out without thinking, without even considering Kame might be right, even for a moment.  
“That’s not true, we are slowly losing that, and I don’t want to.” Kame let out, turning around and pulling the suitcases after him.  
“Please, don’t do this.” Jin tried to stop him, thinking that it must be just a joke. But as Kame slipped into his shoes and made his way to the door, he knew it wasn’t one.  
“I’m sorry, Jin. I really am.” with those words he went out of the door, taking a look back at the still frozen in his spot Jin, before closing the door behind him and starting to sob.  
“Yeah, me too…” Jin let out in a broken tone, just staring at the closed door, wishing all could be just a bad dream.  
He slid down the wall, the cellphone still opened at the same message, and after reading it a couple of times he threw the phone away, the device landing on the cold marble with a loud thud. He buried his face in his hands and let the tears flow, not caring anymore about how lame he might look in that particular moment. After all, every man cries at some point, right? And crying over the loss of the loved one is not a shame, when your heart just feels like it’s shattered into millions of pieces. Even if Kame gave him a reason, which was not enough for him, not to mention that he still believed that, before anything, they’re still best friends. He let his tears fall, crying out all the frustration, hoping that after that he would feel better.  
Apparently, the crying session helped a bit, he suddenly felt relieved and actually a bit better. He finally got up and picked the phone up, making sure it still worked. The same message that he came to memorize by now greeted him once again, and finally closing it, he began scrolling down until another one caught his attention. It was from his manager, bringing some more bad news. ‘The big boss decided that you’ll not attend this year’s Countdown Concert. He said it’s time to leave the company’s business aside and instead concentrate on your solo work. So consider this a little vacation before you’ll start preparing for the Saitama concerts. Take care.’  
There it was, his chance to see Kame, to spend at least the New Year’s Eve with him went down the drain. Before receiving the bad news from his manager, he actually thought he might have a small chance to change things, if he only met the younger one and talked to him. It was different from talking on the phone. If he was able to attend the rehearsals for the Countdown, he could at least be around the younger one and the longing would be bearable. But the last hope he had was shattered in an instant.  
Sighing, he closed the message and scrolled further down, reading the mails one by one, in awe as he saw how many people cared for him. He received greeting messages from his family, his colleagues, his friends, his senpais, his kouhais and even from a few of his ex-girlfriends. As he finished reading, he put the phone away and decided he needed a way of distracting himself. He strolled to the improvised rehearsal room he had in an unoccupied room of his and, searching for the right song, he let himself be enveloped by the beat, his body instantly starting to move, feeling the rhythm. He glanced into the big mirrors in front of him, for the first time feeling some kind of hate towards himself. He closed his eyes and continued dancing, feeling that slowly but surely his mind cleared of any worries, questions, frustrations or pain. It was only him and the alluring beat of the song.  
~*~*~  
But the nice feeling didn’t last much. He could leave all the pain aside only when he danced or when he composed new songs. Other than that, the same feelings of loneliness, pain and even betrayal surrounded him in the next days as well. If only he had the remedy for a broken heart… He found that not even the food tasted the same without his Kazu. Everything around him seemed ugly, even himself. Everything seemed either empty or faded… he couldn’t find anything good surrounding him anymore. When the walls of his house seemed to be shrinking, caging him, he thought he had enough. Enough of pitying himself, enough of tormenting with questions when his mind still didn’t want to accept that. After all, the process was supposed to be different, right? Evolving from friends to lovers, not the other way around.  
He decided to visit his family, and why not celebrate with them, if his gloomy state didn't bother them. After all, who wants to get their mood ruined on New Year’s Eve? And once again, he found himself in the cold, surrounded by snow, the same snow he almost came to hate since Kame’s leaving, only this time he didn’t wander aimlessly, instead walking on well known paths that came to deepen the ugliest feeling of loneliness as the memories invaded his mind.  
“What are you doing, Kazu?” He asked the younger one who suddenly stopped in front of a bakery, studying the items displayed in the rack.  
“I want to buy a cake or some sweets. I know how much your mom likes them.” Kame announced, smiling widely.  
“But I’m sure she already made some cookies.” Jin replied, puzzled by his lover’s behavior.  
“I’m sure she did, but I want to buy something special. After all it’s the first Christmas we spend with them.” Kame uttered in a sweet tone and Jin saw a small blush creeping onto his face.  
“I see. Then we need to get her something special.” The older one stepped closer to his lover and glanced at the rack in front of him. “What should we choose?” he placed two fingers onto his lower lip, a clear sign he was thinking hard.  
“Oh, and a bottle of wine for your father. And what about Reio-kun? What should we get for him?” Kame asked, a worried look appearing on his face.  
“Don’t worry, we have lots of shops on the way and it’s still early, so I think we’ll manage.” He let out an assuring smile.  
“How I love it when you’re helping me.” Kame let out, stretching his neck a bit, placing a quick kiss onto his lover’s plumped lips.  
“Hey! What about loving me?” Jin faked a pout.  
“I love you more than I love it when you’re helping me out or when you’re there for me. Is this good enough?” he pecked Jin’s lips before rushing into the bakery, instantly eying the perfect cake which would sweeten a special night.  
Lots of couples made their way pass him, as his parents’ house was close to a temple. And what better place to spend the New Year’s Eve than a temple, with your loved one? The pairs of lovers holding hands, kissing in the middle of the street or just stealing glances at each other made his heart clench, thinking that instead of watching those couples passing by him, he would have preferred to grip Kazu’s hand and instead both of them being the ones watched by others. With a deep sigh he continued his walk, the snow creaking under the weight of his footsteps, once again reminding him how much he used to love snow when Kame was his. Fishing the phone out of his pocket he dialed a well known number.  
He needed to hear the younger one’s voice, if even for a second, only to send him off. He knew that Kame must be really busy preparing for the concert, but for a moment his egoism and his want took over his body. He was right. Only for a few seconds he heard the unique husky voice, apologizing for not being able to talk to him and then wishing him a better and fruitful year. For those brief seconds his mind and heart felt at peace, as if Kame was still his, as if that was just a short separation.  
Placing the phone back into his pocket, he resumed his walking, finally reaching the apartment building his family lived in and after a long sigh he let the corners of his mouth curl into his well practiced smile, hoping his mother wouldn’t notice that it was only a pretense. Not that it was hard to guess, as Jin almost never, since his entered the company, spent a New Year’s Eve with them. But things had changed since those years a lot, more things that Jin wanted to remain the same were now forgotten in the past.  
When he finally reached the cozy apartment, right when his mother opened the door and just looked at him for a few seconds with concern in her eyes, he knew he made a mistake. Maybe it would have been better if he remained at home and watched a movie or something. Or maybe attend one of those parties his non-celebrity friends were throwing. Anything but seeing his mother worried because of him. It’s not that he could tell her what’s eating him for the past week. When she finally hugged him, welcoming him, his guilt lifted a bit. He went on with the lie, smiling and greeting the rest of the two members of his family, which immediately invited him to sit at the table.  
~*~*~  
He found himself inside the nearest yakiniku shop to his house, with just minutes before New Year. He sat alone at a table, all gloomy, in no mood to do anything. He just played with the pieces of meat, which were already too burned for his own taste, but at that point his appetite vanished. He took a sip of his beer and placed the glass on the table. A loud scream and a flailing motion caught his attention and he glanced at the far right where the nice waitress was looking at something on the tv. When he lifted his eyes, he was met with the image of his ex-bandmates, one by one until the camera concentrated on Kame, clicking his tongue and doing the famous hand gesture. Jin didn’t even bother to listen to the song, as he knew which one was by heart now, instead he just watched the man he wished to be beside him more than ever. Not even the girl’s screams reached his ears, nothing could in that moment. Seeing Kame sheepishly smiling, wearing the same confident attitude, made his heart clench.  
Leaving aside how cool the younger one looked on-stage, it was the feeling he sent that disturbed Jin. Kame looked so peaceful, so distressed… so happy. Was it that Kame became that good of an actor or indeed he didn’t care and left all they had behind him? Jin watched the end of their performance and after getting out a bill to pay, he took his coat and stormed out of the shop, tears threatening to stream from his eyes.  
The snow fell uncontrollably and, fixing the cap he was wearing, he stopped after just a couple of steps. He looked up and caught a few snowflakes into his hands right before they could land on his face. Hearing the people that were now starting to prepare for the countdown, he looked at the flake melting on his head and let out a faint ‘If it was as easy as that’, referring to the pain he was feeling, wishing it could melt away just like that.  
“Happy New Year, Jin!” the younger one let out and hugged his lover tight.  
“Happy New Year, Kazu.” He wrapped his arms around Kame’s waist and placing his head in the crook of his neck, he inhaled the addicting smell. “I want my kiss now.” He muttered and the younger one knew he also pouted as he usually did when he wanted something.  
“Hai, hai.” Kame pulled out of the embrace and smiling gently he pecked Jin, who already closed his eyes in anticipation.  
“I said kiss, not peck.” Jin once again pouted and brought Kame closer, locking their lips together.  
As a group of people nearby started counting, he made a promise to himself, that in the year that was soon to come he would stop pitying himself and instead take his manager’s advice and concentrate on work. When the sky lit up with fireworks and the cheers became louder, he took that as a sign to seal his pact and, smiling faintly, he resumed his walking.  
~*~*~  
In the next days he kept his promise to himself, working on a few songs that he left unfinished for a few weeks now, or preparing for the next concerts. He only had a short time to change some things here and there, so instead of just a rehearsing studio, the room was now transformed into a smaller scale of the arena, with furniture scattered all over the place, as to symbolize the setting he was going to have on the stage. He practiced all of the songs a few times a day, making sure that the performances would be better, this way proving to himself that he could do better on his own. One thing he couldn’t do though: he couldn't stop thinking about Kame or stop looking for a better explanation of what happened between them. His mind didn’t want to believe that was a good enough reason to end a two-year relationship.  
In the time they were together he became addicted to the younger one, longing for both his body and his presence. And something still didn’t seem right in Kame’s motives, as Jin always tried to be there for him, in his own way. Maybe Kame’s words had deeper meaning that Jin hadn't discovered yet, or maybe they were only words to get out of the relationship. He was too confused and angry to call Kame and ask him the hundreds of questions filling his mind, so instead he waited for the younger one to call, a thing that didn’t come, though.  
~*~*~  
All sweaty, giving his best, he hid behind the microphone holder and, closing his eyes, taking a shallow breath he started singing the one song that expressed all he felt for Kame. The love he sometimes couldn’t express other than pulling him into a rough kiss, the frustration that he felt at some point in their relationship, when he wished one of them was a girl so they could have a normal relationship. The longing he felt each time they were apart, and especially now, that he started to reach his limit. He gripped the microphone with one hand and let his feelings pour. At some point, caressing the microphone holder, he glanced at his right, in the VIP seats, where a familiar figure came into view.  
“You know you have a big nose, right?” Jin mocked Maru, who just looked at him for a few seconds in awe. Then, a big smile appeared on his face.  
“That’s why we’re friends. My big nose and your big ego go well together, don’t you think?” the older one let out, patting his shoulder before bursting into laughter.  
He inwardly smiled at the thought, while continuing singing the song he so loved, remembering also the encouraging words the older one told him when he announced he will go solo. It was nice seeing that he cared, that in spite of everything that happened along the years, they were still friends. He took another glance, this time a bit longer and another familiar face came into view.  
“Akanishi, you need to stop acting cool while singing this song. I know that playing a guitar might give you the feeling of being a rock star, but there’s no need to show it to everyone!” Ueda pointed out right after their ‘Butterfly’ performance.  
“Oh, so you think I’m cool, right?” he smiled sheepishly while wiping his forehead, missing the movement of Ueda’s hand, receiving a smack on the head.  
“I’m telling you as a friend, you baka. Hoping it will do you good in the future.” Ueda almost barked at him and stepped out of the dressing room.  
Closing his eyes he relived the moment, inwardly thanking Ueda for his concern and for being there for him. After all, for them to come to Osaka, to one of his concerts really meant something, especially since they didn’t even see each other as often as before, not to mention that they haven’t hung out in ages. He once again looked to his right, at the two men which he was so grateful to, when he spotted another form, the most important one for him. His voice almost stopped in his throat as he saw Kame looking back at him, smiling lovingly and showing him a peace sign.  
“Let’s be friends forever, ok?”Kame asked in a cute tone of voice, taking the ring which Jin gave to him, a pinky ring that matched his own. He placed the jewelry on his finger and looked up, waiting for the answer.  
“We will. I promise you.” He assured the younger one and slipped his ring onto his finger, then lifting his hand so that Kame could see what it looked like. They both smiled at each other and took their time to study how the jewelries looked on their fingers.  
That’s when it hit him. All of his questions were answered. All of the worries vanished. Taking another glance at Kame, he understood what the younger one meant. It was all about things like this: coming to his concert not because he had to, as a boyfriend, as a lover. It was about doing things from his heart, not being forced by circumstances or by people. It was all about doing something on your own for a person you care for. For a friend. A single tear slid down his face, thankful for the first time that his face was all covered with sweat, so that the public in front of him wouldn’t notice.  
Gripping the microphone with one hand, he continued singing, closing his eyes and imagining that thousands of petals were gently falling onto the stage, on his head, on his arms, on his shoulders. And for a second it felt as if a warm and silky snow fell upon him. And he liked that. Opening his eyes only for a second, so he could glance at Kame, he brought the younger one near him in his reverie, while the song was coming to an end. He imagined the younger one by his side, the silky petals caressing his cheeks, and some of them getting stuck in his hair. Suddenly he didn’t wish to devour those pouty lips, instead he just wanted Kame to be there for him. As a friend, as the most important friends of his.  
Finally opening his eyes and snapping out of his reverie, he glanced once again at the VIP seats, at one man in particular, the same man that by being there, he showed that he cared. And Jin alsocared; he came to care more for their friendship than their love. Because there was love between them, no one could deny that, but the love they were feeling now would fade someday, while the friendship will remain forever, just as those rings will never break.  
~* THE END *~

**Author's Note:**

> Press the Kudos ♥ button if you liked this and let me know what you think. ^^Y


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